Announcement
Nobody wants to see her child treated unfairly during a sporting event, but what’s a parent to do when it happens?
That’s what I wanted to know when my son or daughter joined a traveling soccer team and sat on the bench more than she played during his or her first big tournament. My first instincts included yelling at the coach, going over his head, and pulling him or her from the team. My second instincts told me that probably wasn’t going to get me, or her, very far. The next day, after a candid conversation with the coach, I had a better understanding of his direction for the team, and what my son or daughter should do differently as the season moved forward.
It’s become all too common to see parents reacting first, like I wanted to do, without much thought for the ramification of their actions. "They want to yell at the coach, demand another tryout or take their kid off the team," says Brian Kilmeade, author of "It’s How You Play the Game: The Powerful Sports Moments That Taught Lasting Values to America’s Finest." But that will only make a tense situation even worse.
The right tone for the parent-coach partnership should be set early on, says Steve Frierman, an associate professor of physical education and sports sciences at Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York. "A lot of things can come up. Parents may perceive their children are being treated unfairly, or they may disagree with the coach’s coaching style. If a child comes home hurt or angry from a practice or game, parents want to know why. But it’s how they go about solving these situations that can make or break what should be a positive relationship."
Developing that give-and-take with your child’s coach will go a long way toward ensuring your child has a positive sporting experience. That’s especially important since, as a role model to your child, your actions teach them how to behave during similar situations in the future.
Head off problems before they occur, and get your partnership with your child’s coach off to a good start. Here’s how:
- Mesh your goals with your coach’s. Some parents want their kids to develop skills; others just want to win. The same holds true for coaches. What’s his goal: to create better players and have everyone enjoy themselves, or make it to the championships? When there’s a conflict between what the parent wants and the coach’s plans for the team, "it can put you in two different places, philosophically, from the get-go," says Daniel Gould, director of the Institute for the Study of Youth Sports at Michigan State University.
You can avoid that dilemma by meeting your child’s coach as early as possible in the process. Good coaches lay out their goals and objectives when they introduce themselves to the team and the parents. In lieu of a meeting, he may outline his plans in an introductory letter or e-mail. If your child will be involved in an individual sport, you may have the opportunity to interview the coach before getting started. Either way, the first meeting opens the lines of communication and helps all parties move forward with their eyes wide open.
- Realize coaching isn’t easy. The younger your child, the more likely it is that her coach is a volunteer. And that doesn’t automatically mean she has — or doesn’t have — experience. "You’ll get some people who never coached before, or played 20 years ago and don’t realize things are different now," says Frierman. "It’s important for parents to recognize that," and cut coaches some slack. Travel and school sports coaches are more likely to be paid for their time and know-how, but with 15 or so kids to oversee, it’s likely that your child won’t be her only focus. Having patience and a dose of understanding can make the partnership you form a lot stronger.
- Remain diplomatic. There will come a time when your child comes off the field upset, or you feel the coach made a bad judgment. Even if your beef is legitimate, it’s best to allow time for cooler heads to prevail, rather than head to the field with guns blazing. "The more emotion we can keep out of any situation, the better," says Gould.
- Don’t participate in sideline gossip. The worst thing you can do is discuss a coach’s failings on the sidelines with other parents or at home in front of your children. If you’ve got a problem, start with coach. If that doesn’t work, take it up the chain of command. But don’t forget that miscommunication may be part of the problem. Give the coach the benefit of the doubt, and ask what your child can do to change the situation for the better.
- Know when to intervene. Ultimately, every parent is responsible for the health and safety of her child. If you’ve got a terrible coach that is swearing at the children or shoving a kid up against the wall to make a point, don’t hesitate to act. But if you can remain calm and professional, you’ll show your children the right way to handle any situation they may encounter, now and in the future.
